Six months yesterday. Hope I can get past this. Tired of dreaming about ***. Tired of waking up to the stupid black and gold in the trees every morning. This winter will be rough, but at least when it comes those damn leaves will finally drop.

Well it's nice out so I'm going for a ride.

Not much to say. Doubt I'll ever actually scan anything. We'll see. Or maybe we won't?

Had crazy, scary, gruesome, dark, morbid, weird dreams last night; which is actually a welcome change. My heart felt less... well... I guess not panicked. I'd like to make the change from heart to head so I guess it's a step.

Yay frightening dreams, didn't think I'd miss you but I do!

Wellp, take care of eachother.

Hmmmm... So I cleaned up my old journal entries. Got rid of most of my super old, ridiculous crudzzz. Was kind of nice goin through it, though. Strange how just deleting some stupid old shit makes me feel better. lifted a bit maybe. It's a good feeling. I left what's relevant and true.
I do have some stuff I could scan. But I don't have the proper cable to connect scanner to computer, so its a pain trying to borrow one. And since most of the time I'd rather just not go out of the way to give my internet self attention, I don't think to bother. But sometime I'll get to itzzz.
Lots changed since I first started on this dA thing. Crazy how much has changed just this past year, not to mention the last six. I'm sure all the people who I've known on here for a while probably have too, so any of you oldies reading this I hope you're well. Most of my not-at-work-time now is spent resting, smoking, riding my bike (lorts), reading the bible, reading other books, staring at my sweet plants and fish, lovin on my dogs, walkin with my dogs, tossing the frisbee, drawing here and there, smoking, staring at my swee... oh. Said those. haha joking. Man, at least I think I'm funny
Anyways been trying to make the most of the summer that's left. Past few nights on my rides I've been feelin fall comin in the air just a little bit at a time. Not sure if I'm ready for Fall and Winter months. But I guess that's why they're not here yet. Gonna be a looong couple seasons for me... But my sister and I got some plans in the works, so hopefully it won't end up being so bad. Well not bad, but maybe tough. Yeah, it'll be tough. But also part of me looks forward to braving the winter alone for once in several years. A small part of me. Pretty lonely though. That's gonna stick around for sure, but I'll try to stay focused through it.
Guess lots of parts of me stopped caring about lots of things. Not in a bad way. I've been screwin with people a lot. It's been sweet to interact, regardless of the context (HAHA TO ME). Ehh...

Well anyhow just wanted to leave at least a little more positive post for myself to reference because I realize that so often I only write in this thing when I'm super bummin out. And I'd like to change it up.

Lookin out,
Alex

I hope you find some inspiration. And some comfort that I wish I could give you.

Ahh... what a crummy year it's been thus far. Father issues, mother issues, other family issues, my lady issues, school issues, phone issues, work issues, car issues, illness issues, trust issues, pain issues, then recent issues. And last night was one of the roughest nights, emotionally speaking... Kind of a heavy evening flooded with memories. And so has every day been.
I think so far I have begun to see where I should hope to end up, but am pretty far out still, and I really wish I had some guidance. Someone to help navigate me out of this emotional and mental pit I've been trying to find a way out of since that bomb dropped. This constant "Eating-at-me" feeling has got to go. And so does this whole constantly thinking about everything that came before thing. But...
I haven't had many people to talk to about it in a truly open forum. I'm hoping that maybe getting some of it out here will help me at least to sleep tonight; tomorrow night will have to find its own distraction. Everybody's already got their biases and nobody's really helped me to feel okay about it or myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be learning, though, but who here can truly know? Maybe there's not higher work going on. Maybe it just needed to end. Maybe it just needed to die. Surely did the Son of Man die, and surely was He resurrected. What must have been going through His head during his last several days as flesh and blood on Earth... Of His suffering, I'll never know how it must have felt, though the small bits of physical pain I've endured throughout my life give it some light. I hurt my shoulder yesterday, and the pain has been really intense all day and night. This on top of the thoughts I've been dealing with on a daily, or should I say hourly, basis for the last 4 weeks has been really overwhelming. He dealt with worse, though. He's really been honing in on me this year. It must not be for nothing...

--

*Nobuki

It's proving difficult for me to maintain hope in faith, but certainly I must be being tested. I'm under God's thumbnail - A child being dosed with correction. I suppose I am being guided after all, I just wish my doubts would leave me... I wish all my recent thoughts would leave me. But I'll live with them, as He intends. I'll sort through them, as He intends. I'll get through this, as He intends.

On the bright side, Tour is looking really positive. Should help to distract my mind a bit and I'm hoping it serves to bring together a lot of what's been goin on in my head as of late.

Hope everyone's looking out for each other,
Alex